Say What You Mean: A Reflection on Transparent Communication
The Mid-Week Missive is based on Community Rules: An Episcopal Manual by Ian Markham and Kathryn Glover, both administrators at Virginia Theological Seminary. I am working my way through this book, reading and writing through the lens of our Life Together as part of the Christ the King Episcopal Church family, as well as part of the Diocese of the Central Gulf Coast.
Rule #11: Be Transparent in Communication. Markham and Glover’s reflection on this rule can be found in their book, which can be purchased here.
How does this rule apply to our Life Together at Christ the King? I have just completed a weeklong spiritual retreat and workshop with my colleagues in the Order of the Ascension, and one thing we worked on was how we communicate in group process. As we were going around and around trying to make a decision about our community norms and expectations, our leader kept challenging us to get at the real issues(s) instead of trying to solve it with a quick fix. Those in the group who were offering quick fix solutions just wanted the tedious conversation to be over. But our leader knew that this issue wouldn’t be solved with a quick fix. So each of us were invited to reflect on and articulate what we wanted and why, and then to think about the consequences of that decision (i.e. what it would actually look like if implemented). For me, it was indeed a tedious process, but I was amazed at what transpired once we hung in there together to get at the root of the issue. In the end, each one of us was able to share how we felt and why, and once the group made a decision, everybody felt heard, there were no hidden agendas or “parking lot” discussions afterwards.
Many of us at Christ the King grew up in the South, and the blessing and the curse of the Southern charm is that we oftentimes sacrifice transparency for harmony. Many of us (myself included) aren’t comfortable making others uncomfortable by disagreeing with them. But when comfort, harmony, and politeness prevail over transparency, the relationship or the community suffers in the long run. It can be hard, tedious work to not only “say what we mean and mean what we say,” but also to make the graceful space for others to do the same. The Order of the Ascension is a “deep” community because we value transparency over harmony. What holds us together isn’t that we all agree on everything – it is a diverse group of folks from all over the country. But one of the many things that holds us together is our commitment to healthy, transparent communication.
I invite you to hold me in your prayers as I continue my journey towards becoming a more transparent, healthy, and effective communicator and leader. And I invite all of you to join me on the journey. The depth of our relationships with one another and with God will indeed grow much deeper.
Eastertide blessings and peace,
Richard+