Fierce Reconciliation: A Sermon for Proper 18

At our vestry retreat earlier this year, we did an Organization Development exercise to discern what we do well and what we don’t do so well at Christ the King. One of the top vote-getters for what we do not so well was “Conflict Management.” But before we beat ourselves up too much over this weakness of ours, let’s take a look at the world around us. Where are we seeing healthy conflict management? Who is modeling for us how to effectively navigate our differences of opinion, approach, or outlook? Certainly not in Washington, or on Facebook or Twitter. And sadly, throughout her history, the Christian Church hasn’t been immune to poor conflict resolution either. And that remains the case today on both the macro and micro levels. 

Conflict is as old as humankind, and scripture helps remind us of that. For the people of Israel, the Levitical law prescribed specific ways to handle conflict within the tribe so to speak. And as we heard from Ezekiel this morning, the prophets had their own unique way of urging mutual accountability among the house of Israel. And while the prophets tended to advocate for a very public reckoning of wrongdoing, Jesus invites his followers to start small before we go big with our grievances. 

After two weeks of hearing about the call to discipleship – proclaiming for ourselves who we say that Jesus is and then being called to lose our lives in order to save them, this week and next week are about conflict resolution and forgiveness. And I’d venture to say that these two topics are at the heart of Jesus’ call for us to take up our crosses and follow him. And they are embodiments of what it looks like to lose our lives in order to save them. And that is why everybody – not just Christ the King Episcopal Church – struggles with managing conflict. Not many of us are willing to lose our lives in order to save them. The grace and humility that Jesus requires of his followers is radical. It requires a deep transformation within us, one that rejects the competitive and litigious nature of our culture. But that is why Jesus reminds us that when two or three of us have the courage to work on sorting out our conflict, he will bless us with his presence. 

In his commentary entitled Matthew and the Margins, Warren Carter asserts that this section in Matthew’s gospel is crucial for our understanding Jesus’ call to discipleship. He says that ‘Given this difficult existence, disciples must not cause one another to fall or sin. [We] must care for one another, actively vigilant in guarding one another as God guards [us]. [And] in this [we] embody God’s love. Against this backdrop, Carter goes on to say that “despite such exhortations, conflict is inevitable among humans… How a community handles such conflict is crucial to its survival.”

And in our lesson today, Jesus gives us a model for handling conflict within our community. It’s almost as if Jesus was anticipating the era of grandstanding that comes in the form of group emails and social media. Email and text messaging has forever changed the nature of communication because now, you can send a “letter” to hundreds – even thousands - of people in a matter of seconds. Keep in mind that in Jesus’ context, what we now call a “good ole fashioned hand-written letter” wasn’t an easy option for most. Yes, letters were written – see the Apostle Paul – but it was a much less common and a much more laborious process. It required first and foremost, literacy. It also required difficult-to-obtain scrolls. So, in Jesus’ context, the primary mode of communication was verbal. If you had an issue with someone, your best bet was to go speak with them by yourself, and ideally, the conflict could be resolved. It sounds so simple. But you and I know better. Such conversations can be incredibly difficult. So difficult, in fact, that oftentimes we choose to remain in or avoid conflict rather than have that difficult conversation.

In her book “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time,” Susan Scott says, “Our work, our relationships, and our lives succeed or fail one conversation at a time. While no single conversation is guaranteed to transform a company, a relationship, or a life, any single conversation can. Speak and listen as if this is the most important conversation you will ever have with this person. It could be. Participate as if it matters. It does.” In her books, TED Talks, and executive coaching business, Scott advocates for radical transparency, and creating a culture where “fierce conversations” are the norm. She believes that so much of our failure in relationships – whether it is in business or our personal lives – has to do with our unwillingness to have difficult, honest conversations with one another. We are simply too polite or passive aggressive. We would rather send a text or an email than have a face to face conversation. I know that I am guilty as charged on that account.

But the use of the word “fierce” in Scott’s book isn’t to be confused with anger, accusation, or self-righteousness. The fierceness has to do with summoning up the inner courage to see Christ in the face of that person with whom you have an issue. Apparently, some of our earliest bishops were faced with mediating conflict just as they are today. Augustine of Hippo – also a bishop in the 4th century –framed conflict resolution with love when he wrote, “Why scold him? Because you are sorry for yourself or because he’s sinned against you? God forbid. If you do it out of self-love, you do less than nothing. If you do it out of love for him, you are doing something very good indeed. In any case, notice that the love you show is for him and not yourself.”

Whether it is from Christ’s very own mouth, or from some of the Early Church’s most revered Bishops, the message for Christians is clear – we are to handle interpersonal conflict with humility, love, and grace. It is not simply a good idea, it is essential for our salvation – as individuals and as the Church - for Christ says that “whatever we bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever we loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” In other words, on judgement day, we will have to answer to God for our unresolved conflicts with our fellow Christians. As Jesus taught us to pray, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” This wasn’t a suggestion from Jesus, it weas a command.

By approaching our sister or brother in Christ in search of reconciliation, not only are we doing a good thing for ourselves. We are also giving that person an opportunity to participate in the reconciliation that Christ calls us to. We are giving our sister or brother an opportunity to offer, ask for, or receive forgiveness, as we do the same. The greatest gift that we offer someone might not only be our forgiveness if they have wronged us. The greatest gift could also be the opportunity to offer their forgiveness to us. Sometimes people need to be invited to forgive. And such an invitation can relieve them of so much anger and hurt that they have been carrying. The joy of reconciliation isn’t just in being forgiven. It is also in having the sacred privilege to forgive others.  

Clearly the world is not looking to the United States as a model for healthy conflict resolution. And clearly we are not able to look to our secular leaders on either side of the aisle to learn how to address conflict. So where will we learn? Where will our children learn? Is the Church modeling for us and our children how to deal with conflict? Our scriptures and the teachings of the Early Church give us clear instruction on the importance of conflict resolution, as well as ways to go about it. Yet, unfortunately, the Church through the centuries and still today has not been a model for healthy conflict mediation and resolution. Our vestry acknowledged that this past January. But that doesn’t mean that we have to throw in the towel and say that as long as there are people, there will be conflict. Actually, that saying is true, but that doesn’t mean that the conflict can’t be healthy. What if people knew the Church as that place where people resolve their problems in a healthy, loving way? That may sound naïve or grandiose. But one might say the same about the resurrection.  

As always, it is best to start small – in our own homes, and within our own family systems. That will give us good practice for when we end up in conflict with those within our parish. What if we as a parish made it an explicit priority to be outliers in the world on conflict? What if we as a parish made it a priority not to handle our conflict in hurtful, unhealthy ways? What if we took Jesus’ instruction about conflict mediation to heart? It would likely be the hardest work we have ever done, because as we all know, conflict resolution is incredibly hard work. To use Susan Scott’s words, it is “fierce” work. But it is none less than gospel work, and as Jesus says, our salvation depends on it. And good, hard, faithful work such as this is perhaps be the best outreach, mission, pastoral care, and evangelism that Christ the King could offer to our ourselves, our community, and the world.